I wanted a random button for Amazon, much the same as exists for wikipedia, but I couldn't find anything so I wrote a quick program to do it for me. Program was a a pain in the ass, but I got something that works reasonably well now. I have found some interesting stuff out there, but so far the best comes from the word 'deprograms'. It lead me to this page. I can't wait to see what other crazy stuff I get to find.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Saturday Night
"Does it sound like someone is here" Lindsay asked.
"Nah, it is just the TV" I responded, never looking up from my laptop screen. Too busy engrossed in what crops were in need of attention to give it much thought.
The T.V. show ended. Lindsay changed the channel to 6, the 10 o'clock was about to start. I decided it was time to go down and close up the barn. Lindsay walked me out to the door. As I walked by the garage window I heard something rustle in the grass. Something large. I turned back to Lindsay.
"I just scared a giant rabbit" I said with a little bot of edge in my voice. As scared as the beast was, it had startled me as well.
I strolled out the door and started down towards the barn. I don't know why, but halfway down to the barn I looked back towards the house. It was then I saw them. 2 dogs were advancing on me in a hurry. I turned to face my pair of attackers, waved my arms, and started to shout growl and otherwise try to look intimidating. The beasts were not buying my display and continuing advancing towards me. I walked quickly backwards towards the barn, the dogs gaining on me with every step. When I got close to the barn, I tripped. The dogs were nearly upon me. As I reached out to break my fall, my hand found a bucket we had left outside. I rolled from my fall and came up swing the bucket out by the handle. The sight of that large bucket must have been sufficient to scare the beasts, for they suddenly ran off. I saw them move, shadows in the dark night, up the driveway. A car on the road paused, obviously they had crossed the road.
Scared witless and with the adrenaline pumping through my system, I quickly closed the large outer door of the barn. I then did a quick check to make sure the horses were OK and proceeded up to the house. I noticed that Lindsay must have heard my demonstration and had turned on every outdoor light. She awaited me in the doorway. As I approached the door, one of the dogs appeared in the driveway. It broke into a run at the sight of me and attempted to gain entry to the house. I ducked inside before it could get too close. Lindsay greeted me at the door.
"There is blood all over the front porch, a lot of it"
"There are dogs, coyotes, something big out there" I responded, breathlessly.
The dog approached, we made our way through the house to look at the front door. On the porch firmly pressed against the front door, one of my aggressors awaited.
"It looks like a yellow lab" I said.
Lindsay concurred, adding, "Yes, but a poor specimen of the breed."
She continued "It looks out of breath".
Indeed the dog was panting heavily. As my eyes wandered over the dog, I saw the blood. Blotches of it covered the porch, but the dog here seemed unharmed. The dog continued it's vigil outside the door. If often turned back to confirm our presence. Lindsay turned to me.
"Did you get the barn all closed up?"
The word "Idiot" screamed through my mind.
"No" I responded.
"The arena doors are still open, I have to go back down there."
We devised a plan. I would attempt to sneak down to the barn. If the dog became aware of me and gave chase, Lindsay would attempt to distract it by opening the front door and calling to it. We acted.
I had not made more than halfway to the barn when the beast rounded the corner and began to lope towards me. I could here Lindsay calling out to it, but the dog had seen it's target. I made the entrance of the barn with the dog only a few feet behind me. I rushed to the rear of the stable and quickly closed the arena door. The horses looked at me, annoyance in their eyes for being disturbed so late. I went to the front door and peeked out. The dog approached. I closed the door. I was trapped. I walked to the barn door, the metal providing an ideal acoustic sounding board. I could hear the dog pacing outside. Back and forth with a steady panting, two beats, each of them feeding my fear. I began to perform a similar maneuverer within the confines of the barn, now my prison. How was I going to get out of here? The dog was obviously either extremely friendly and just wanted to be near people or it was extremely aggressive.
I heard Lindsay then. She poked her head out the door and called for the dog.
"Here doggy, want some water?"
The dog was off like a shot. I saw Lindsay duck back inside. The dog continued around the corner of the garage, it was going to take up residence on our front porch again. It was my opportunity. I opened the door and bolted for the house. I made the door of the garage, just in time to see the dog leap from the porch, past the garage window.
Lindsay and I talked about next steps. She had managed to put out some water for the dog before it had gained the porch. Which it now greedily lapped up. After it had drunk it's fill it laid back down against the door and we took the opportunity to examine it further. it had a collar, but no tags. It either was, or had been at some point someones pet. We called a neighbor that we knew had dogs, it was now 10:30. The neighbor was concerned, especially after we described the blood and investigate his house to confirm that his dogs were still there. With relief in his voice he informed us that they were not his dogs, and suggested that they may be our next door neighbors. We looked out the side windows towards their house. It was dark. They were either asleep or not home. We did not know them anyways and had no way of contacting them. Lindsay and I talked it over and decided to call the county animal control. I did a Google search and found the number. The operator's voice greeted me.
"Sorry the number you are trying to reach is not in service"
Damn. We checked on the dog again. It was still there, lying amongst the blood splotches. It had noticeably calmed down. The panting had slowed and the eyes no longer burned quite so vehemently. Lindsay nor I still felt comfortable approaching the dog, it was still an unknown quantity, and there was the blood. With reluctance Lindsay and I decided to call the state troopers. I dialed the number for the Lafayette barracks and spoke to the dispatcher.
"Hi, um... is this a non-emergency number"
"Yes, can I help you sir"
"Yeah, there is strange dog, I think it might be somebody's pet laying on our front porch. There is blood all over the place, but I don't think it is the dogs. I am not sure if it is friendly or not"
"I understand sir. We will send someone over to see what we can do. Can I get some information from you."
I continued my conversation with the operator, giving her, my name, address, phone number, shoe size, and a dozen other pieces of identifying information. In the meantime Lindsay continued to watch the dog through the front door. After I got off the phone I joined her. We watched the dog until we saw the trooper come by. He drove past the driveway. We saw him continue past, up to a neighbors house, pull into their driveway. He paused there for a few minutes, obviously trying to figure out where the heck he had driven by our house. He backed out onto the road and slowly approached, finally finding the driveway. As he pulled down, the dog leaped to it's feet and bounded towards the car. The trooper stopped int he driveway and cautiously got out of the car. As he got out the dog moved away, maintaining a distance of about 10 feet from the Trooper. Seeing the confidence of the trooper and the deference of the dog, I boldly walked out the door to greet the officer. He greeted me as I approached.
"Is the is the dog"
"That is one of them" I responded.
"Is it hurt or anything" He queried.
I explained to him that the porch was covered in blood, but that I could not see any damage to this dog. I continued on explaining the events that had transpired and bringing him up to speed. Th trooper decided to call the Town of Otisco dogcatcher.
"No answer" He told me glumly.
"Well you have two options, you can either take custody for the dog for the evening. He will be your responsibility for the evening."
"Or..." I inquired
"or, the dog can remain at large. If he is still here in the morning, you can call again and we can pursue other courses of action. "
"The dog will be remaining at large" I firmly stated.
During the time we had been talking, the dog at made it's way in between the officer and myself and was laying on the ground, quite calmly. It was roused, by Lindsay dashing out the door.
"The people next door are home now. They are outside looking for something with flashlight, maybe it is their dog." She exclaimed.
The trooper decided he would go over and check in with the people and see if it was their dog. As he got back into the car and headed out the driveway and we made our way back into the house. The dog moved and took up his regular residence on the front porch. We watched from the windows as the trooper pulled over the neighbor's house. They talked for a long time. Eventually we saw the trooper leave. We continued watching and the neighbors went back inside their house.
"Guess it is not theirs" We said in near unison.
The phone rang.
I jumped up and grabbed the phone, answered it.
"Hi this is your neighbor, I hear you might have my dog."
"Yes, I think we might"
Our neighbor came over, introduced himself, his wife, and his dog. Explained that his dogs had escaped, one had split open it's foot which accounted for the blood, but all returned home except this one. He collected his dog into his van, and left. Lindsay and I ventured onto the porch to inspect the damage. We decided we had better try and get the blood out right away. We ventured down to the barn, disturbed the horses once more and grabbed a house. At 11:58, 2 minutes to midnight, Lindsay and I were out on the porch with a hose and push broom, scrubbing out blood stains, and talking about our little evening adventure.
Note: Spell Checked, but not proofed Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Early Morning Dessert
He awoke with a start. How long had he been out. Last thing he remembered was his eyes getting heavy as he watched the moon climb high into the sky. Now judging by the light that was just beginning to creep over the horizon it had to be close to morning. He had slept through his watch! He glanced back towards the work site, it appeared abandoned. Would they have just finished their work and left him there, asleep at his post. No, he decided, these men would be much more likely to kill him for dereliction of duty then to do anything so generous as to abandon him to the morning watch. He decided to approach the work site to ensure they were gone before making his own retreat. He crept between the headstones, the dew covered grass staining his canvas shoes. As he approached the opened crypt he began to hear a noise, a kind of low moaning. The thought jumped into his mind, he was not the only one abandoned. It sounded like someone else was trapped within. Abandoning caution in favor of companionship sprinted to the crypt door. The tools of grave robbing, picks, shovels, and rock hammers lay against the outer wall of the crypt. No doubt this was evidence his companions had left to incriminate the man they left within. At the door he paused, he could hear the noise more vividly now. Whoever it was was moaning loudly, no doubt they must have broken his legs, or buried him beneath something heavy to keep him from escaping. They had left him for the morning watch, it was certain that they would have left another one of the hired men, rather then a member of their own gang. He prayed that it was not his friend Carl as he picked up a rock hammer and crossed the threshold into the crypt. The stench of rot assailed his nostrils and caused him to empty the contents of his stomach upon the ground. As he recovered from spastic motions of his stomach he looked through now tear filled eyes at his surroundings. Something was wrong. There were tools inside here as well. The gang would never have left so much behind in order to incriminate a single man, it was not right. His mind began to race, it pushed the smell from his mind as the adrenaline kicked into his bloodstream. His eyes adjusted a little more to the gloom and he began to see more detail. A puddle of blood. A severed hand. What appeared to be part of a torso. These shapes resolved themselves from the gloom and as they did the moaning grew louder. Suddenly movement caught his eyes. In the far corner of the room a man like shape moved. Cautious now, he slowly moved towards it. He saw that a coffin had slid off the wall and appeared to be pinning the man's leg to the floor. As he approached the light coming in through the door grew dimmer and his eyes could no longer make out the details of his surroundings. He whispered to the man on the floor.
"Do you need help? What happened here? We need to get out before the morning watch. They will be making their rounds anytime now"
As if to answer the man on the floor growled, a sound like a cornered dog might make. Light came in through the doorway, the sun had broken the horizon. He saw the ghoul revealed in a slow pan of light as the sun rose in position through the doorway. It's decayed flesh face slick with the fresh blood of the grave robbers. Around it's knees were gnawed limbs, chewed torsos, and mangled skulls. The floor was slick with blood. The ghoul attempted to lunge for him, but the coffin upon it's legs held it fast. It howled, a sound like a goat bleat, but with the force of a lion's roar. He raised the hammer into a defensive position and began to back away. The ghoul lunged again, this time the coffin began to give way. The ghoul reached out, began clawing at the floor with sharpened bone nails, pulling itself towards him. He panicked. He threw the hammer at the vile creature now making it's way steadily towards him and fled for the door. In the bright light of the door he saw another shape. The morning watch had arrived. They had found him, caught him red handed in the act of desecrating a grave. He did not hesitate, better to be killed humanely by swift justice, then eaten by ghouls. The morning watch had other ideas. As he approached the door it began to swing shut. The morning watch, these upright citizens, defenders of the dead were going to abandon him to a ghoul. He dove for the door, attempting to get his hand through before they could shut it. He succeeded and so did the morning watch. His arm was neatly sliced by the sharp edge of the door and utter blackness fell in the tomb. As he howled in pain he heard the ghoul approach. Bone on stone, the sound an auditory imitation of the feeling of getting string in your teeth. Then it was upon him. He attempted to kick it off, but the claws just sunk into his legs, causing more unbearable pain. He heard the morning watch then, just as the ghoul lowered his teeth to his neck.
"Pass word to the master, his pet has eaten well tonight".
F.Y.I. Spell checked but not proofed
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